Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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