i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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