just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
