we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
