Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
