Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
