I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
