Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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