Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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