im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
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I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
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Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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