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I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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