Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
