It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
