I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
