Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
