My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
