Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You've changed since you got that strap on
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
