Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
