You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
