I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
