I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
