"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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