So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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