i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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