dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Holy sore nipples Batman
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
