i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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