he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
