my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Can I color on your dick again?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
