oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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