I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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