Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
