so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
