You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
