i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
