in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Randomize
