I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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