Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
