i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
