Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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