i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
