my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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