I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
