i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
