Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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