Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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