I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
