Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
