There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
