Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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