when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She needs sedatives and a leash
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
as a side note pls kill me
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
