Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
