I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
