Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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