god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
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I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
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I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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