i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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