theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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