i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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