I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
