I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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